Relationship problems

I've been thinking a lot lately about how painful relationships can be. How two people come together with different expectations, different histories, different priorities. It's a wonder couples stay together at all... I've been reading about how many of the more hurtful conflicts in relationships stem from childhood problems with parents. Have you ever got really upset about something and can't figure out why it affected you so badly? How you got incredibly angry at your partner but you're not sure why?

A friend is going through a very painful breakup. I feel so bad for her but there's nothing much I can do but listen and suggest she not have any contact for a while. She somehow thought she'd be okay seeing this person on a friendly basis after being intimate for many, many years. Turns out it's too painful for both of them. She just had a total meltdown when she found out some people were going over to his place for dinner. It's sad how we sometimes think we can be logical about certain things, then the emotional, illogical part of our brain takes over our good common sense.

I've found writing down my problems, hurts, upsets, etc. really help me sort them out in a more logical way. I'm overemotional at times, and don't quite get out what I'm trying to say in a very coherent way. Writing it all down, editing it so it makes sense and then speaking to the person I'm having a problem with really helps.

I learned a lot when I took a CBT workshop for about four months. It taught me about organizing my thoughts on paper, looking for some logic behind all the emotions and figuring out exactly what emotions were coming into play. For example, I learned that a lot of the time when a woman cries, it's not from being sad, it's from being mad!

I've also been working on being more assertive, but that's not going so well. Sometimes it can take a while to get the right balance between passivity and being overly aggressive. I used to go along with everybody and everything and sometimes get resentful but not speak out. Now, unless it's something not worth bothering about, I will say right away if something bothers me. If the other person starts getting defensive, which most of us tend to do, I have to be careful not to escalate the discussion into an argument. Because I find it very hard to state what's bothering me in the first place, I tend to get upset when the other person takes it as a personal criticism instead of acknowledging my right to stop whatever behaviour that's upsetting me. Guess this will be a work in progress for some time to come...